[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
🤣🤣🤣
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
notice
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right