Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive