ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
United Steaks of America
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.