@truegritrumble ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
@scootergonscoot McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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@truegritrumble 
@liliths_lair The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
@Unkle_K I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
@david8hughes [puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
@wildethingy Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
@CrazyLipz United Steaks of America
@TheCiscoKidder You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
@TheBoydP Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
@youlooklikeamom People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
@Contwixt There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.