McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.