mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
You Might Also Like
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.