[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
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I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”