[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Incredible customer service.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.