McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy