McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions