Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.