Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.