ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
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Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
#Caturday
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people