Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination