me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.