me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
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If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.