me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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I wish this was real life…
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.