Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
when dads have a rap battle
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem