Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.