ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
gm
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what