Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*