Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
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[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years