Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
#math
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
A dad and his duck
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?