Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
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Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Never ghost your hitman.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money