Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.