Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
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Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Finally
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
How funny!
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.