ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

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GERG: She licked ur donut?


GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!


I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.


Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect


I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.


What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?


As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose


ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance


If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?