@ch000ch

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

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@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@rodney_at_large

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

@traciebreaux

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

@LizHackett

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

@SteveSuckington

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

@stirthemoose

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?