@Seinfeld2000 GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
@ch000ch ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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@Seinfeld2000 
@rodney_at_large I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
@simoncholland If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
@traciebreaux Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
@LizHackett I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
@SteveSuckington What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
@OhNoSheTwitnt As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
@ArfMeasures ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
@SexyInsomniac Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
@stirthemoose If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?