me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
You Might Also Like
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?