Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
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[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…