ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]