ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
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5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”