Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn鈥檛 you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what鈥檚 the difference?
God: I don鈥檛 know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me: It isn鈥檛 Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It鈥檚 his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT鈥橲 IT鈥橲- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”