Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
You Might Also Like
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.