Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Tell me you get it…🤣
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
cat vs inanimate object
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*