ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Spa day..😅
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.