Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.