me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
$4 #usedbooks
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”