Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

termite twitter scares me

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist