Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
time for some seasonal decor
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”