Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
then why did i get this email
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.