ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Lmfao
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Natural selection at its finest
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
President The Rock Obama
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep