Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I can’t deal with men any longer
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter