Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
🤣🤣
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I cannot call her anything else now
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is