Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
#StillHurts
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter