me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I am HOWLING at this
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree