me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
You Might Also Like
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.