Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?![]()
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.