Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.