Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.