me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
When I said I liked it rough.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.