me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Well, that didn’t work.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today