me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
The devil.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
This makes total sense…
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
@funTweeters
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
my name if I was in the mob
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door