Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
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I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.